Dear Child Me

If you were mine I’d read you stories until you fell asleep
I’d give you my strength whenever you felt weak
I’d hug you tighter and tighter every day
Love you in all and every way

If you were mine I’d hold your hand throughout your life
Never letting go even after handing you to a husband or wife
I’d see you, I’d listen to you and I’d believe you
I’d tell you how worthy you are of love even when you didn’t believe it was true

If you were mine I’d protect you against all the monsters
The ones in your head, out in the street and under your bed
I’d protect you from me, from my own fears
I’d cry with you whilst I dried your tears

If you were mine I’d say I’m proud
I’d make sure to scream it out loud
I wouldn’t wait until it was too late
I wouldn’t let you get filled with hate

Dear me, I’m sorry I wasn’t there
That you were alone, that no one seemed to care
I’m doing my best to make it up now, I swear
We’ll heal you together, our heart we’ll repair

I Remember

Yesterday was your birthday, wish I forgot
Tried to forget but my stomach tied to a knot
All the times you asked for a gift came to mind
That version of me I wish I could leave behind
I was just a kid trying to be kind

Thought that was how love looked in your eyes
Thought it was normal, believed your lies
Thought I was crazy for feeling bad
Thought if I told anyone they’d be mad

Those birthdays you took something from me
From that moment, I was never free
No one saw the huge gap appearing in my mind
The parts of me I lost I can never find

Unfortunately I remember everything
Everyone else seems to have forgotten
How no one did anything
No matter how bad it has gotten

I remember every unwanted lick, every kiss
That touch I definitely don’t miss
I remember every force, every pain
“It’s your fault” you’d try to explain

I remember thinking I wanted it to end
Not being able to comprehend
Not knowing how to fix what I broke
And never one word I spoke

I remember hearing about death and wishing for it
My wrists trying to slit
My breath trying to stop
To the floor me and hope would drop

I remember thinking it was the last time and being wrong
Whenever it stopped was already too long
Wishing someone saw and stopped you
When that happened it seemed too good to be true

It was our little secret, I bet you remember just like me
Everyone got to know about it but you were there, see?
It might’ve slipped their mind, they might’ve let it go
But I know you didn’t, even if you don’t show

You told me to lie, to say we were playing
Weren’t we? What are you saying?
Did I do something wrong? Why is everyone yelling?
All those lies you were telling…

I’d never allowed myself to give you my art
I’m giving little me a voice and that’s a start
Happy fucking birthday and may you rot in hell
Goodbye, I do not wish you well

Dear God

Lord, can you hear me?
Is this really who you want me to be?
Did you make me broken or did I break in the fall?
Who am I to think you’re going to answer my call?
I don’t really see a future for me, am I blind?
Taking me out right now would just be kind.

Is it supposed to hurt this bad?
Am I supposed to be this sad?
How were you feeling when you wrote my story?
Am I the protagonist or an extra in someone else’s glory?
Do I have a happy ending? Will it all be worth it?
Will I end up comprehending? Can’t I just quit?

Give me a sign you exist, so I have a reason to do it too
When I die, will I get to meet you?
Will you look me in the eyes when you finally reply?
Will you deflect? Will you lie?
Will you finally tell me “why?”?

They say because I’m a stronger soldier you chose me to fight
How much can I fight when peace is nowhere in sight?
Where do I get the strength, when you give me none of your might?

Can’t kill the enemy in my mirror because you won’t let me
Stuck in a war from which I’ll never be free
Dear Lord, give me a sign so I keep trusting thee

Trauma (Part 1?)

Sometimes you don’t really heal from trauma, you hide it in a dark corner of your mind hoping it goes away unnoticed. It doesn’t. It’s reflected in the way you think about people, the way you breathe harder when someone is close, the way you move away from touch, the way you don’t recognize unconditional love… the way good intentions look foreign.

Trauma screams loud whenever you try to break whatever patters it has conditioned you to follow to survive. You are unable to turn off your anxiety because something will go wrong, something always goes wrong.

Trust is utopia, self-love an illusion and if you can’t love yourself why the fuck would anyone else love you? Why the fuck would anyone kiss the scars on your body and not run from the scars on your soul that have never actually healed… blood hoozing from them to remind you who you are whenever you attempt at happiness.

Trauma is imprinted in your DNA and even though it’s all over you, you can’t seem to explain it. Knowledge of it means in no way healing. Knowing you are broken won’t fix you, quite the opposite. It hurts more that you know why you turn into the helpless person you were when it happened whenever there’s a trigger… and still can’t do shit about it. You still feel as weak, as worthless, as guilty as back then.

I hope next time I write about trauma I have better news.

A happy ending.

But right now, I’d settle for any ending at all.

Just Another Suicide Note

I’ve lost count of how many of these I wrote
How many words here I wish I spoke
How I never know enough adjectives for what I feel
How it’s getting harder and harder to conceal

Another day, another me I kill
Hiding another corpse, such a thrill
Another day, another fantasy where I die
This smile on my face nothing but a lie

I’m not sad, there’s no more tears left to cry
Knife to my wrist, razor to my thigh
My brain constantly screaming there’s no hope
On my neck, is that a rope?

Feeding these thoughts is a slippery slope,
Holding hands with insanity and with it I elope
Standing on top of a building thinking of reasons to stay
Breathing out hope for a better day

Thank you for attending my funeral is what I can say
Maybe now to rest I can finally lay
Goodbye to my loved ones, again
We’ll probably meet some other time, see you then

Maybe It’s Me

Maybe I fall too hard
I don’t have much of a guard
Maybe I fall too fast
I always think feelings will last

Maybe I’m too much
I feel sparkles every time we touch
Maybe I’m too attached
I don’t get my energy matched

I’m not like the girls whose pictures you like
Not someone over whom your interest would spike
I’m not mysterious, put together or cool
To think I’d be enough was just being a fool

I’m not the kind of girl people write about
A hard looking exterior filled with doubt
But I will love you with all I am
That’s on me… I fell for my own scam

Maybe it’s me, too much to bare
Too much anxiety, too many feelings to share
Too many insecurities, reassurance needed
Can it not be me? My heart pleaded

Pain

Pain is one hell of an inspiration source
Pushes you to feel like an invisible force
Makes you dwell on a feeling before you get over it
Puts you on a corner until you submit

Pain opens your eyes to new dimensions
Makes you move to new directions
As silent or as loud as you need it to be
As bright as you need to be able to see

Pain crushes you with realizations
You cry as it shatters all expectations
Falling in the space between your fingers
And when it’s done only the tender scars linger

Then you go and let it happen again
Over and over until it’s in your brain
It hurts when you do and it hurts when you don’t
But of course you believe that this time it won’t

No One Should Be Surprised

Tears would be shed as I’m laid to rest
Commentaries on how I didn’t pass life’s test
Everyone sharing fond memories of me
Making excuses for why they couldn’t see

No one’s fault but everyone to blame
The empty space I was in will never be the same
Could’ve done this, could’ve done that
Remember you said “You’re not depressed, you’re just a brat”

Maybe this will ease your guilt, there was nothing you could do
I stepped out of the stage right on cue
My character was written off, never too much hope for me
Out of this world I’m finally free

Is anyone surprised tho, couldn’t you see?
Blinded by what was comfortable nitpicking who I can be
Goodbye, farewell, until we meet again
We’ll see if I have the whole thing figured out by then

Been a While

Hey, it’s been a while, right?
I’m not sure I’ll send you this poem, but I might
Hope everything is okay with you
Hope your smile still shines like it used to

I heard you moved on with that chick
Seeing you with her hit me like a brick
Remember you told me she liked your friend?
Guess things get distorted after the end

I decided to write you like I did before
I never thought I’d write about you more
I haven’t felt that wound in ages
But it’s still fresh, bleeding through the pages

A cold war I didn’t know I was fighting
Sitting in the rain, struck by lighting
Paying for mistakes I didn’t make
Realizing my reality was all fake

Paint me like a villain all you want
Call me the ghost when you haunt
You’re mad and I understand
But it’s my turn to take a stand

I Ruined It

I held on too hard and it broke
I’ve hidden it so long I could choke
All the ugliness inside is now showing
All the cracks in the painting are growing

It’s getting harder and harder to hide
I swear on my momma I tried
Running in circles but I’m standing in place
Close my eyes and still see your face

Do you want a standing ovation?
Do you want to finish the narration?
Leave the stage, are you done acting?
Remember you said I was overreacting?

It’s over, I’m done, I’m gonna explode
Gonna stomp on the shit where once tip toed
Fuck caring, fuck sharing, fuck feeling
How can I save the person who’s doing the killing?

I almost forgot, it was my fault
I stopped being heartless by default
I started trusting and smiling at my phone
Now I’m here clownfaced, cover blown

This is the last time I’m doing this shit
You had more of me than I’m willing to admit
Goodbye, farewell, I hope you don’t cross my path
I’ll be here cleaning up after your bloodbath