Trauma (Part 1?)

Sometimes you don’t really heal from trauma, you hide it in a dark corner of your mind hoping it goes away unnoticed. It doesn’t. It’s reflected in the way you think about people, the way you breathe harder when someone is close, the way you move away from touch, the way you don’t recognize unconditional love… the way good intentions look foreign.

Trauma screams loud whenever you try to break whatever patters it has conditioned you to follow to survive. You are unable to turn off your anxiety because something will go wrong, something always goes wrong.

Trust is utopia, self-love an illusion and if you can’t love yourself why the fuck would anyone else love you? Why the fuck would anyone kiss the scars on your body and not run from the scars on your soul that have never actually healed… blood hoozing from them to remind you who you are whenever you attempt at happiness.

Trauma is imprinted in your DNA and even though it’s all over you, you can’t seem to explain it. Knowledge of it means in no way healing. Knowing you are broken won’t fix you, quite the opposite. It hurts more that you know why you turn into the helpless person you were when it happened whenever there’s a trigger… and still can’t do shit about it. You still feel as weak, as worthless, as guilty as back then.

I hope next time I write about trauma I have better news.

A happy ending.

But right now, I’d settle for any ending at all.

Patience

“Hey” I say as I open the door to the roof and see you perched on the wall next to it.
“Hi” you say dryly. It’s been a week since we last spoke and you asked for time and you already feel like a stranger.
“So, why did you want to meet here?” I say looking down at the ground way beneath us.
“So I can push you if it doesn’t go well.” You say smiling and coming closer to me.
“Wow” I laugh relieved the initial tension is broken “how have you been?” I ask looking down at your boots getting closer and closer.
“Missing you” you say lifting my face to meet yours. I can feel your breath on me, your other hand pulling my waist closer to you. You know exactly what you’re doing.
“That’s all?” I say trying really hard to not get lost in your eyes, to not just kiss your lips. The realization of how much I missed you suddenly hitting me.
“Thank you for waiting” you say not breaking eye contact “I needed that time to figure my shit out without involving you.”
“And are you figured out now?” I say holding my breath waiting for an answer half excited half scared.
“The only thing I figured out is that I don’t want to be away from you” you say touching your forehead with mine “and I know how hard it’s been asking you for patience when all we both want is to be together.”
I can’t hold it anymore. I lift my face and touch my lips to yours, the familiarity of the feeling, the comfort. You deepen the kiss and I feel your tongue visit the inside of my mouth while I wrap my arms around your neck. There goes the patience you’re thanking me for.
I feel your hand wrap around my neck and push me back to the wall where you stop kissing me to watch me smile.
“We can finish the talk later” you say kissing my neck.
“Yes” I say putting my hand under your shirt.
“Yes who” you say pushing me harder against the wall and kissing my cheek.
“Yes sir” I say as I feel your hand go down my pants and touch me. I pull you closer with my cold hand on your warm back.
Your fingers enter me easily and we both feel it, them touching the perfect place, us moving synchronized while I moan in your ear and you hold me up with one arm. My brain goes to mush as I cum and melt on you.
“Good girl” you say before I turn around, lean against the wall and pull my pants down.
I hear your zipper, you come closer, one hand around my neck and the other on my pussy.
“Put it in” you say in my ear and I feel your dick hard between my legs.
I slide it in and we both let out a sigh as it goes in, fitting perfectly.
You move in and out and I moan louder as you go harder.
“Shhh” you cover my mouth with one of your hands and put your arm around my waist to pull me closer “you don’t want to get caught, do you?”
As you say that you fuck me harder and I roll my eyes and cum on you. My legs almost give out and I understand why you put your arm around me. Fuck, you know me better than myself.
I kneel in front of you and stick my tongue out while you grab my hair and pull me closer to you and put your dick in my mouth looking me in the eyes.
It enters deep and I grab it with both hands while sucking it until you move my head faster and cum in my mouth.
“Shit” you say helping me stand and kissing me.
“Shit indeed” I say laughing “definitely worth the wait.”

Surprise!

Zuri is sitting on one of the chairs in the corner of the room hoping to go unnoticed while she waited for her order to be ready. She asked for the same thing every time she came to the restaurant across the street from her house, so predictable that the waiters already knew her.
“Hey” a voice says next to Zuri waking her up from her thoughts.
“Hi” she says before looking up “Leo? What the hell are you doing here?” Zuri asks shocked.
“Surprise! It’s been a while, uh?” Leo says laughing “I told you I’d surprise you.”
“I am very confused right now” Zuri says serious “what is happening?”
“You need to chill” Leo laughs harder “I missed you.”
There’s a silence and they’re both serious for a few seconds looking at each other. They knew exactly what was passing through the other one’s mind in that moment.
“Zuri, your order is ready” the waiter says handing a plastic bag to Zuri and breaking the silence.
“Thanks!” Zuri says standing “well, I have to go, it was nice seeing you.”
“Want to have dinner with me?” Leo stands too and moves closer to Zuri.
“I already have dinner” Zuri says pointing at the bag in her hand.
“I’m sure we can share” Leo smiles “we have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Sure, I guess” she turns and starts walking “my house is just.”
“Across the street, I know” Leo says following her.

“Are you going to tell me how you found me?” Zuri asks when they are in the elevator.
“I wasn’t looking” Leo laughs “it just happened, stop overthinking it.”
“And it just happened that you knew where I lived?”
“Yes” Leo winks before walking out of the elevator.
“So you’re just not going to tell me” Zuri says unlocking the door to her place.
“Nice place” he says looking around “just like in the pictures they sent me.”
“WHAT?”
“I’m joking” Leo laughs “God, it’s so easy to get you.”
Zuri walks to the kitchen and puts the plastic bag on the table while Leo stands in front of her.
“What do you want to eat?” she asks opening the bag and looking up. Leo got closer.
“You.”
He gets even closer and they could feel each other’s breath, the body heat coming from each other’s skin and all that familiar sexual tension in the air between them. He holds her chin and lifts her head slightly until their lips touch. She holds the back of his neck with her hands and deepens the kiss while he pulls her closer holding her waist with one hand and grabbing her ass with the other. Both their minds are fuzzy with a strange sense of clarity as their senses heighten to savor every second of each other.
“Shit” Zuri says stopping the kiss “I don’t think this was supposed to happen.”
“You’re right, what’s supposed to happen is much more.”
Leo grabs Zuri by the waist and puts her sitting on the counter and pulls down her shorts and panties. He kneels in front of her and starts kissing her legs, the inside of her thighs, then licks around her pussy until she grabs his head and pulls it to her.
“Now, baby girl” Leo says moving away “you know I don’t like it when you’re impatient, who’s in charge here?”
“Fine” Zuri sighs.
“I asked who’s in charge” Leo asks while fingering her clit and moving his fingers on around her pussy.
“You are” Zuri says biting her lip and holding her breath while she feels his fingers going inside of her as a reward.
“Good girl” Leo says while moving his fingers in and out and sucking on her clit until she locks his head with her legs and cums on his face.
He stands and she slides down the counter and kneels on the floor in front of him.
“I missed him” she says caressing the bulge on Leo’s pants.
“Since you’re being a good girl, he might just show you how much he misses you” he says opening the zipper and pulling down his pants and boxers.
She grabs his dick and kisses it from its tip to the base, then she licks the tip and twists her tongue around while she swallows it deeper. She sucks it slowly and then deeper and faster, grabbing his ass to pull him closer until she feels his dick touch the back of her throat.
“I want to fuck you.”
He pulls her up and she leans against the counter and opens her legs while he rubs his dick against her pussy until he feels her wetness on him and puts it in. He feels the tightness and warmness of her pussy and she feels the hardness and throbbing of his dick. He slides in and out slowly, wanting to enjoy every second of what felt like the best feeling in the world.
“Cum for me” he says doing it faster and deeper until she moans his name and he feels her legs tremble.
He slows down until he gives out and takes a deep breath while he cums on her back.
“I missed you too” Zuri says.

Entrance to Pleasure

I’m looking for you near the entrance of the park where you said you’d be but it’s so dark I can’t see anything.
“Hey” you say from behind a tree in the corner, I can barely make you out.
“Why are you there? Is it even safe here at this time?” I ask walking towards you and wondering why I agreed to meet you here.
“We met here before but I didn’t get to do what I wanted that time, so I’m doing it now” you say smiling when I get close. I love your smile, but I know how dangerous it is.
You grab my hand and pull me towards you and put my back against the tree. With one hand on my neck and the other on my waist, you kiss my lips, first softly then deeply. I grab the back of your neck and sigh lightly when you push your body against mine, making me feel your already hard dick.
“Is that your phone or are you really happy to see me?” I ask looking in your eyes.
“You’re about to be happier” you say choking me and make me face you while with your other hand you move my panties to the side, put your fingers in my mouth which I suck, and penetrate me with them.
You rub my clit while you move your fingers in my pussy and I moan.
“Shh, be a good girl and be quiet” you say putting one more finger in me and going deeper “now show me you’re my bitch and cum in my hand” you say in my ear.
You move your fingers in and out faster and deeper and choke me harder right before I orgasm on your hand. You lick your fingers and let me go, I open your pants and before I can kneel in front of you, you turn me around and I grab the tree and lean forward.
“You’re too precious to kneel on this dirty ass floor” you say grabbing my hair and pulling it back “you’re dirty in other ways.”
With your other hand you put your dick near my pussy, and I move back making it slide in because I’m so wet. I start moving my hips back and forth making your dick visit my insides in all the right places over and over again. You then hold me closer and fuck me hard and fast until my legs give out and I realize you came too.
I take a deep breath and smile while putting back my panties and turning around. You already closed your pants too and are back to your regular serious face. I kiss your lips one last time before walking away.
“I love that you’re mine” you say and I know you mean it.
“I love being yours.”

Beautiful

I wish had I better words to express this feeling
Whether I’m standing in front of you or kneeling
You’re all the desires I know I can’t suppress
You’re all the emotions I can’t express

I know this is wrong and it pains me to say
My body craves for yours everyday
I don’t have to understand it but I feel it
Of all the doms I could have to you I want to submit

You’re walking temptation and I just can’t fight it
Why resist when I know in me you perfectly fit?
All the fantasies I thought were too much
You share them with me and I knew on the first touch

So for lack of a better word beautiful is what I’ll call this
How you make the world go away and it started with a kiss
The beauty of uncertainty always marked our existence
It ended as fast as it started but I applaud its persistence

Come In

“Come on in” I say opening the door and seeing you.
You walk past me, close the door and push me against the wall. Not saying a word, just looking into my eyes, you grab my legs and I wrap them around your waist.
You come closer and kiss my lips softly.
“Why have we never done this before?” you ask before touching my lips slightly with yours and carrying me to the table.
“You know why” I say and you smile pulling me towards you and kissing me deeply. You taste exactly like I thought you would, like how I imagine the forbidden fruit tasted like.
I grab your neck and pull you closer to me so I can deepen our kiss and you grab my ass firmly until I feel your warmth between my legs. You pull off my shirt and smile as you see my red bra matching my red panties I wore just for this moment, for your eyes only. I smile back and pull off your shirt, I bite my lip slightly and slide off the table and stand in front of you grabbing the top of your shorts.
I slowly go down on my knees pulling down your shorts and boxers with me while looking into your eyes. Your dick almost slaps me in the face, I didn’t think it would be this hard already. I grab it with one hand and caress it with my lips kissing it softly. I then lick the tip of your dick and keep twisting my tongue around it while I swallow it until it touches the back of my throat.
I start sucking in and out while one hand grabs it and the other scratches your abs. I hear you moan and increase the speed while using both hands to massage it. You grab my hair and move my head closer bringing you deeper until I feel you explode inside my mouth, I already want you inside me.
I keep sucking and a raspy voice comes from your throat and says “shit” making me smile. You see that and carry me to the table again where I lay on my back and you kneel in front of me between my legs opening them.
You kiss from my knees to my pussy and lick it when you reach it. Licking softly at first and then harder, until you penetrate me with your tongue and it sends shivers through my spine. You then rub my clit with your thumb and penetrate me with your tongue at the same time, you get faster and I cum on your face grabbing your head and pulling it closer.
You stand and tap your dick on my pussy before putting it in slowly staring into my eyes with a devious smile. When you put it all in I roll my eyes because it feels so fucking amazing, your dick touches every piece of my pussy that is craving touch. I wrap my legs around your waist while you come in and out and I grab the table so I don’t move a lot because you’re fucking me so hard.
You turn me around and I lay on my stomach on the table and you enter me while pulling my hair. Slowly and hard until I cum on your dick then you increase the speed and I cum again, this time with you.
You lay on my back and kiss it.
“Well that was… interesting” I say still trembling.
“I’m glad you found it interesting” you say grabbing my ass “are you up to increasing your interest levels?”

Wet (2)

“Hi” you say to me as we hug and walk towards the car together.

“Hey” I answer. We haven’t spoken about what happened at my place and we haven’t been alone since. Now you are giving me a ride to the concert where we’re meeting our friends, what a time to not have a car.

“What are you up to? It feels like we haven’t seen each other in ages” you say as we sit in the car and I wear the seatbelt.

“I know right?!” I laugh awkwardly “I guess life gets in the way” I smile and look into your eyes for the first time in forever.

“Fuckin’ life, uh?” you say wearing your seatbelt. I’m not sure if you want to talk about it, I sure don’t.

“How are things with you?” I ask breaking the few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

“Good, good and you?” you say looking at the road.

“Fine, I just got this opportunity to work in” I stop talking when I feel your hand on my thigh, that familiar sensation. Your hands are cold and my leg is warm so that send shivers through my spine.

“Is this okay?” you ask and I nod, forgetting that you’re not looking at me, it’s more than okay “You can keep talking, I was listening.”

“Do I have to?” I ask and at that moment you slightly shut your eyes and look at me “I’m sure I can find better things to do with my mouth.”

“Shit” you say before finding a dark street to park in and removing your seatbelt.

You lean my seat back to the furthest it goes and I remove my seatbelt while you come to my side and kneel between my legs.

“I tried to resist you” you say reaching for my panties from under my skirt and look at me confused.

“I’m not wearing any” I say biting my lip and enjoying how you swallowed twice as hard when I said it.

“How am I supposed to resist you?” you place my legs on your shoulders and kiss the inside of my thighs as you move up near my pussy and kiss it lightly. I breathe harder as I feel your tongue parting my pussy lips and your lips sucking me.

I grab your hair and pull your head towards me so I can feel your tongue rubbing against me harder but you pull back.

“Someone’s in a hurry, let’s both enjoy this” you breathe the words on my pussy and your warm breath is soothing. You go back to gently kissing and sucking and I take a deep breath and feel everything, every passionate second until you slowly put one of your fingers in me and I can’t help but moan. Your finger touches every single spot it’s supposed to and I feel myself moving in and out with it until I cum on your hand.

“I want you inside me now” it’s the only thing I manage to say and I guess the way I said it convinced you because you hand me a condom and we switch places. I pull your pants down and your dick is already hard when I put it in my mouth. I lick it’s tip and feel your heartbeat in it as I swallow it until it hits the back of my throat. Fuck, I forgot how big it is and how much I love the feeling of it. I move up and down slowly while stroking the bottom with my hands until I hear you moaning. I stop and put the open condom in my mouth and suck your dick unraveling it on it.

I sit on your lap and lower myself on top of your dick while looking into your eyes but I can’t. I roll my eyes and sigh as soon as I feel you filling everything inside me and hitting all the right places. We then move together up and down, something so familiar yet so foreign. Something so wrong yet so right. You grab my waist and hold it while you push yourself into me harder, faster and deeper until I cum on you again.

You pull me towards you and kiss me deeply and I feel you moving inside me again until a moan leaves your mouth, you open your eyes and smile.

My phone rings at that moment and I find my bag while you clean yourself up.

“Yes, we’re on our way” I look at you guiltily “The traffic is horrible but we’re almost there, me and my bestie.”

Wet

You are walking towards me and the second I lay my eyes on you I know I want to feel you inside of me. As wrong as it is, I want it so bad, I want you so bad.

“Hey, how are you?” you say giving me a hug. Oh if you could read my thoughts.

“I’m okay, wanna come inside and wait for them?”

We are waiting for the rest of our friends sitting in my couch getting intoxicated in preparation of the long night ahead of us. The less sober I get, the more I am aware of the possibly inexistent sexual tension between us.

You sit next to me, lay your head on my shoulder and your hand on my leg. Your hand is slightly grabbing and I am trying to take deep breaths so you don’t realize my pussy is throbbing just from feeling your hand grabbing my thight.

“Is something wrong?” you ask looking at me.

“No, why?” I answer trying to look calm, where is everyone? I finish my glass just to have an excuse to stand up. You grab my hand when I try to.

“You seem tense” you say making me sit directly in front of you.

“I’m just tired of waiting” I lie. Jesus, you are so close that I can feel your breath, can see the all the scars on your face, even the tiny cut you got when you were cutting your hair. I am avoiding looking at your eyes because I know you’ll be able to see all the desire in mine.

“Why are you so fidgety?” you say touching my face with your hand and making me face you. Shit. I bite the inside of my lip. Your eyes, when did I start looking at them differently? When did I start looking at you differently? Were they always this shade of brown?

“I’m drunk, what did you expect?” I say laughing and when you stay serious I stop. Can you read my thoughts? Am I saying them out loud?

“Ok, can I kiss you?” you ask grabbing the other side of my face with your other hand.

“What?” I ask surprised.

You smile and kiss me. First gently and then I open my mouth and feel your tongue exploring, from then it is an explosion of sensations. The feeling of anticipation on your hands running through my back and my hands grabbing your neck and pulling you closer to me. You grab me by the waist and put me on your lap. As soon as I sit and you hold me closer I can feel your hard dick pressing my against my already wet pussy. I have never wanted anything so bad.

You raise my waist, take off my shorts and push my panties to the side and carry me to your face while you wink at me. I feel your mouth swallow my pussy and your tongue visiting my insides and I move my hips while sitting on your face. You grab my ass hard and press me towards you with our synchronized movements until I cum on your face.

I slide back down and get on my knees on the floor in front of you between your legs and pull down your pants and boxers. I am greeted by a very hard dick, I am not disappointed.

“I knew you had big dick energy” I say before grabbing it with both hands and kissing the tip while looking in your eyes. I lick from the base to the top and finally put it in my mouth and suck it. I can feel it touching the back of my throat and the moan you let out makes me want to stay there forever. You are guiding my movements by grabbing my hair on the back of my head and I sometimes stop to nibble and lick the tip to keep the anticipation ramping up.

“Shit” you say before cuming on my mouth. I keep sucking. I want all of you.

You grab your pants and search your pockets and take out a condom. You open the packaging with your teeth but I take it from you right after. I keep stroking and sucking your dick and I put the condom on it. You carry me and throw me to the couch laying on my back and put your dick inside me while looking into my eyes. You look like a predator and I’m glad I’m the prey.

“Now I am going to fuck you and I want you to cum on me again, ok” you say whispering in my ear.

“Ok” I say not recognizing this side of you but enjoying it anyway.

Your dick fills me up completely and I wrap my legs behind your back while you pound and I moan your name on your neck. You turn me around, pull my hair while I am in all fours and rub your dick on my throbbing wet pussy. I angle my hips for it to go in and when it does I moan because it hits all the right spots and I feel tingles everywhere. You increase your speed and we cum together with your face between my shoulder and my neck.

At that moment we hear voices outside and the sound of the front door being knocked. We quickly get dressed and never speak of what happened again. We are just friends after all, the bestest of friends.

18/02/2019

Hi,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and that seeing my name on the envelope made you smile. I miss your smile.
I know I’m late and you’re probably mad but I haven’t been on my best state for a while.
I gathered my whole strength to write this right now and figured: I don’t know what to say.
Thinking about you makes all those feelings I thought I got over come back to bay.
All I want for you is pure happiness, I see you have that. You post pictures smiling and kissing your new love, something you never did with me.
You always hid me with emojis, angles or other things so my face they couldn’t see.
I guess she did something I didn’t, I guess she loves you how you want to be loved and not how my broken, miserable heart knows how.
Our story was the best part of my life but for you it was just another act on your play so before I leave the stage I’ll take a bow.
If me being miserable is what it takes for you to be happy, so be it.
I’d do anything for you but you were always too blind to see it.
So this letter is the last thing you’ll get.
Best regards from that messed up person you once met,

T.

Here I am

Here I am talking to myself again like it would even compare to having you by my side.
Here I am taking another puff like it would do anything but make me absorb even more in thoughts of us.
Here I am taking another shot like I didn’t know it will just come back up tear shaped when the party is over and I lay alone in my bed staring at the roof.
Here I am hating myself for wishing you weren’t okay, for wishing you’d come back, you’d care and prove all you’ve said was true.
Thing is, you’re not here. All the promises you made were lies and I’m madder at myself for believing than at you for lying, I mean, it was pretty obvious. Look at you. Look at me.
I wish I didn’t ignore all the voices telling me to say no, I wish I killed my hopeless romantic self long ago but most of all, I wish what we had was true.
I wish all the jokes, all the moments, all the gifts, all the promises were as real to you as they were for me.
Here I am writing my last last text about you wishing I didn’t know that was a lie.