Sometimes, Only Sometimes

Sometimes I think I’m hard to love
Like everyone else’s emotions fit like a glove
Like I need to find something else to do
Keep me from missing you
Something else to miss
Crave more than just your kiss
Someone else to love this deeply
Someone who doesn’t just want me briefly

Sometimes I think I ask for too much
Despising space, wanting your touch
Desiring nothing more than being desired
Loving for two is hard work and I’m tired
Running laps holding out my hand
Maybe it’s all too big of a demand
I just need you to take a step with me, don’t you understand?

Sometimes I think I’m being naive
When you say you’re changing and I just believe
When after all I know I would never leave
A baseless hope my brain manages to conceive
Another crack on my heart I’ve managed to achieve

Sometimes, only sometimes I feel so alone
No touch on my skin, no ring on my phone
Not sure about anyone’s feelings but my own
Too good to be true, I should’ve known
Crushing myself to pieces in this lonely throne

I Remember

Yesterday was your birthday, wish I forgot
Tried to forget but my stomach tied to a knot
All the times you asked for a gift came to mind
That version of me I wish I could leave behind
I was just a kid trying to be kind

Thought that was how love looked in your eyes
Thought it was normal, believed your lies
Thought I was crazy for feeling bad
Thought if I told anyone they’d be mad

Those birthdays you took something from me
From that moment, I was never free
No one saw the huge gap appearing in my mind
The parts of me I lost I can never find

Unfortunately I remember everything
Everyone else seems to have forgotten
How no one did anything
No matter how bad it has gotten

I remember every unwanted lick, every kiss
That touch I definitely don’t miss
I remember every force, every pain
“It’s your fault” you’d try to explain

I remember thinking I wanted it to end
Not being able to comprehend
Not knowing how to fix what I broke
And never one word I spoke

I remember hearing about death and wishing for it
My wrists trying to slit
My breath trying to stop
To the floor me and hope would drop

I remember thinking it was the last time and being wrong
Whenever it stopped was already too long
Wishing someone saw and stopped you
When that happened it seemed too good to be true

It was our little secret, I bet you remember just like me
Everyone got to know about it but you were there, see?
It might’ve slipped their mind, they might’ve let it go
But I know you didn’t, even if you don’t show

You told me to lie, to say we were playing
Weren’t we? What are you saying?
Did I do something wrong? Why is everyone yelling?
All those lies you were telling…

I’d never allowed myself to give you my art
I’m giving little me a voice and that’s a start
Happy fucking birthday and may you rot in hell
Goodbye, I do not wish you well

My Bad

I’m sorry, it was my bad, I believed what you said
Should’ve ignored my heart and gone with my head instead
Should’ve seen through, all the empty “I love you”s
Shouldn’t have jumped into, the shallowness we both knew

I’m just a hopeless romantic, what else can I say?
My hope gigantic, I’d still choose you everyday
The water I consciously drown in
Wondering if in the game of love I’ll ever win

All I want is you and for all you say to be true
To feel you on my skin, my favorite tattoo
To taste you on my lips, spell I can’t undo
To hear your voice on my ear, right on cue

Instead I see the cracks in the story you tell
Round of applause because I actually fell
Now it’s too obvious to ignore
Oh, your battery was dead? Please tell me more
You didn’t hear it ring? You didn’t see it blink?
You were doing a thing? So of me you didn’t think?

Yes, I’m mad
Mostly at myself though so don’t worry
You won’t need to say sorry
I confess I’ll miss the times we had
But I’m tired of being sad
Begging for love
I’ll stop trying and rise above

Can You See Me?

I tried to dig deep into this
Ended up buried in the abyss
The immensity of my love for you was surpassed
How could you get over me so fast?

Is any of it real? Can you actually see me?
What is it you conceal? Am I who you want me to be?
Do I even exist in the world inside your brain?
I’m loving for two and all it does is bring me pain
Does your heart even know my name?
Is this all just a game?

How can you not want me and still not let go?
You’re my number one idol and I’m the clown of your show
Breaking parts of me so more can love you
In the end I’m forgotten and alone, who knew

Should’ve read the fine print before I gave you my all
Should’ve known better before I let myself fall
Should’ve read between the lines, it was all in plain sight
Chose to ignore all the signs, turns out all my insecurity was right
Why would a person like you want a person like me, you’re too good and that’s alright

Standing ovation, you had me fooled
Gave all of me just to be ridiculed
The worst part of it has to be:
Even though you drowned me in this sea
There’s no one else I’d rather have kill me

A Sad Poem

Hello and welcome to the poetry of sadness
As I document my slow descent into madness
I open the door to my mind and let you peep
You’ll see how the river of pain flows deep

A bunch of words written in a page of my me
Wrapped in all the tears I refuse to let you see
It’s crazy how relatable pain can be
From the shadows in my brain I’ll never be free

A sad poem based on my stupidity, vulnerability, gullibility, instability
I believed your lies, cries, eyes, sad goodbyes

Turned into what I thought you wanted to be wanted by you
Believed all your words just to be slapped with the truth
I’m sorry to say that now we’re through
You broke my heart and I’m all out of glue

A sad poem is all you’ll be getting
Say goodbye, the sun is now setting
Take a bow, your role here is over
I don’t want you to be here when I’m sober

Girassóis

Nunca quis flores
Não pedi presentes
Do arco íris não quis todas cores
Tuas palavras e acções incongruentes

Será que sou ingrata?
Sou demasiado abstrata?
A reclamar de ouro só porque me deste prata?
Enquanto dizes me regar de amor minha alma desidrata

Uma maneira peculiar de amar e ser amada
De querer se sentir importante e desejada
De saber ser a única opção considerada
De ter orgulho ao ser mimada

Toques, carinho sem preço
Abraços, beijinhos enquanto adormeço
Atenção e consideração como no começo
Coisas que penso que mereço

Não sei ler os poemas que me escreves
Para ti longos encontros para mim são breves
Sigo te para onde quer que nos leves
Se seguíssemos sozinhos estaríamos mais leves

É solitário e doloroso este lugar
Dói ainda mais por ser tão familiar
Até todos girassóis me podes dar
Tua ausência não vão compensar

Tu foste tudo que eu pedi
Tua atenção a única coisa que exigi
Em meus textos essência de ti
E deste conto de fadas que nunca vivi

Would You?

What if I disappeared? Would you miss me then?
Would you think of me when you said “amen”?
Would you profess your love to everyone but me?
Would you finally show me what you said I didn’t see?

Would you stop telling lies?
Is it easier now that you don’t have to look me in the eyes?
Would you pretend to cry as they lower me to the ground?
I hope by then your heart is found

Would you glue the pieces of my heart you broke?
Would you confess it was all just a joke?
I was punk’d, believed you fell for me as deep as I fell for you
Now, on this side of pain I can see it was never true

Would you want a standing ovation? A round of applause?
Impressive acting skills, used just because
I write this hypothesis with blood in my fingers
Your last lie in my brain still lingers
Guess this is goodbye, pain jolted me awake
You can keep the rest of my heart, it was yours to take

Dear God

Lord, can you hear me?
Is this really who you want me to be?
Did you make me broken or did I break in the fall?
Who am I to think you’re going to answer my call?
I don’t really see a future for me, am I blind?
Taking me out right now would just be kind.

Is it supposed to hurt this bad?
Am I supposed to be this sad?
How were you feeling when you wrote my story?
Am I the protagonist or an extra in someone else’s glory?
Do I have a happy ending? Will it all be worth it?
Will I end up comprehending? Can’t I just quit?

Give me a sign you exist, so I have a reason to do it too
When I die, will I get to meet you?
Will you look me in the eyes when you finally reply?
Will you deflect? Will you lie?
Will you finally tell me “why?”?

They say because I’m a stronger soldier you chose me to fight
How much can I fight when peace is nowhere in sight?
Where do I get the strength, when you give me none of your might?

Can’t kill the enemy in my mirror because you won’t let me
Stuck in a war from which I’ll never be free
Dear Lord, give me a sign so I keep trusting thee

Not So Surprised

I knew this was coming
I saw it from miles away
Saw it as clear as day
Hated who I was becoming
To my anxiety I was succumbing
There’s nothing you can say
Would God hear me if I pray?
The song of a funeral humming
I didn’t believe my gut
Called it paranoia, overthinking
Should’ve sew my heart shut
Now I’m staring at myself unblinking
Calling myself stupid and can’t rebut
To the magnitude of this I feel myself shrinking
Why the fuck does it hurt so bad?
It’s not a surprise, not really
Why the fuck am I so sad?
Was I really that silly?
“You’re special” all just a fad
Did I really think you’d change willy nilly?
Will you ever miss what we had?
Back when I wore my heart on my sleeve
You ripped that shit in half and I’m kinda glad
Can’t believe I was that naive
I don’t ask for much and I’m sure of it
You’d make feel like I was too much and I’d believe
We both know it even if you don’t admit
This is my heart’s goodbye letter
In half it has been slit
One day it will get better
It has been through enough shit

Trauma (Part 1?)

Sometimes you don’t really heal from trauma, you hide it in a dark corner of your mind hoping it goes away unnoticed. It doesn’t. It’s reflected in the way you think about people, the way you breathe harder when someone is close, the way you move away from touch, the way you don’t recognize unconditional love… the way good intentions look foreign.

Trauma screams loud whenever you try to break whatever patters it has conditioned you to follow to survive. You are unable to turn off your anxiety because something will go wrong, something always goes wrong.

Trust is utopia, self-love an illusion and if you can’t love yourself why the fuck would anyone else love you? Why the fuck would anyone kiss the scars on your body and not run from the scars on your soul that have never actually healed… blood hoozing from them to remind you who you are whenever you attempt at happiness.

Trauma is imprinted in your DNA and even though it’s all over you, you can’t seem to explain it. Knowledge of it means in no way healing. Knowing you are broken won’t fix you, quite the opposite. It hurts more that you know why you turn into the helpless person you were when it happened whenever there’s a trigger… and still can’t do shit about it. You still feel as weak, as worthless, as guilty as back then.

I hope next time I write about trauma I have better news.

A happy ending.

But right now, I’d settle for any ending at all.